Double Minded

"If any of you lacks wisdom,

let him ask God,

who gives generously to all without reproach,

and it will be given him.

But let him ask in faith,

with no doubting,

for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea

that is driven and tossed by the wind.

For that person must not suppose

that he will receive anything from the Lord;

he is a double-minded man,

unstable in all his ways."

James 1:5-8 ESV

Waves crashed around the mighty ship, threatening to take her under the dark waters.  Still, she steamed forward toward her destination, her forward progress not hampered by the surf.  In contrast, a nearby vessel with less integrity and strength took a beating from the storm.  No matter how hard her Skipper tried to keep her on course, she was tossed around by the waves like a toy boat in a bathtub full of rambunctious toddlers.

I'm like that second ship when I doubt.  I am always seeking God's will for my life, wanting to know which direction I should go next.  The problem, however, lies with what happens in my mind.  I don't always ask with a humble heart, ready to hear whatever He tells me.  Sometimes I've ruled some things out before God even speaks, thinking there's no way I could do such a thing, like forgive an enemy, speak to a group of people or step outside my area of expertise.

I can't expect an answer when I hold onto doubt.  This uncertainty takes on many forms, each as malicious as the other.

Contradiction

I remember watching Zoom on PBS when I was growing up.  One of the regular features on the show was a mysterious character named Fannee Doolee.  She loved anything with double letters, but hated whatever did not, even if it was the same thing.  For instance, Fannee Doolee loves sweets but hates candy, or she loves trees but hates forests.  Basically, she was a walking contradiction.

While Fannee Doolee might inspire kids (and adults) to think creatively, she would drive me nuts if she were a real person.  As silly as she sounds, though, I sometimes act just as irrationally in the way I live my life.  On the one hand I say that God can do anything and that nothing is impossible with Him, but then I go against what I just proclaimed by doubting He can use me in the way He suggests.

In this way, I am a walking contradiction, proclaiming one thing with my mouth yet not quite grasping hold of it in my way of thinking.  Jesus reminds me of the importance of faith when making an appeal to God.  He said I can command a mountain to throw itself in the sea and it will happen if I believe it will come to pass, without doubting.  (Mark 11:22-24)

Doubt leads to a contradictory spirit that cannot hear from God.

Waver

The little lambs followed their beloved shepherd, listening to his gentle voice as he lovingly led them to the green pastures.  Suddenly a different sound accosted their ears; one that seemed quiet and calm but this voice evoked a different response.  The heartbeats of the little lambs beat furiously within their chests and they began to panic, unsure whether or not their shepherd was still there.  Maybe he had abandoned them in favor of another herd.  Perhaps he left them in the care of this new master.  They grew confused and wavered in their mind.

While these sheep knew their leader's voice, the sound of another, similar, shepherd caused them to question.  I do the same thing.  Jesus is my Good Shepherd and I recognize His voice. (John 10:14)  Sometimes, though, I begin to get confused when I listen to other, quite similar voices guiding me in a different direction.  Instead of going where Jesus leads me, I begin to doubt, wondering if maybe that other voice is really the one I should be following.

It's not so much that I intentionally turn away from God as I am lured away by a deceiving spirit that sounds deceptively similar.  Then, I lose my confidence in my ability to pick out my Lord's voice.  I begin to question, Maybe I'm just hearing my own thoughts or wishes; Is Satan playing games with me, disguising himself as God? 

Doubt leads me to waver until I can no longer distinguished God's voice.

Control

He was determined to get his own way and he would stay on the floor crying and carrying on until he lost his voice if that was what it took.  It wasn't really about the candy; this toddler wanted to gain control over his life.  Tempter tantrums can be effective tools for preschoolers, and sometimes even for adults!  If I put up enough of a fuss, people will get tired of my antics and gladly welcome the peace that comes with compromise.

When I try to use this same tactic with God, however, it backfires.  I cannot expect to get my way and desire His will at the same time:  Either I get to be god of my own life, or I let Jesus hold that position.  How many times do I betray my doubt in God's sovereign plan by insisting on keeping the reigns of my life firmly grasped within my fists?

Doubt leads me to seek control so that I cannot hear from God about His plan.

How often I ask God to reveal His plan for my life but I harbor doubt within my mind.  This disbelief comes out when my uncertainty in God as everything I proclaim Him to be is revealed in the way I doubt.  Listening to other voices also throws me off until I can no longer recognize God's voice in the fray.   Finally, everyone can see who is really lord of my life by whose plan I am following.  In these ways I am double-minded and easily thrown off course.  Instead, it is my desire to be wholly focused on Jesus as my Lord.

As I begin this day it is my prayer that I can stop thinking two ways and completely surrender to God.

How does my doubt lead to confusion in trying to hear God's voice?

When do I think my situation is the exception to the rule that nothing is impossible with God?