Seeking Love

"Whoever covers an offense seeks love,

but he who repeats a matter separates close friends."

Proverbs 17:9 ESV

Sin.  It ruined the world God created.  It destroys marriages, estranges mothers from daughters, fathers and sons, friends from friends.  It tears apart those who intended to stay together.  Living in a dark world in a body made of flesh, I've learned many destructive ways to cope, harmful methods of handling conflict, selfish approaches to living.  All of these damaging patterns are not what God intends for me.  They are sinful.  And they cause a rift between myself and those I love.

So how to deal with such sin?  It's an important issue since we're all sinners, either saved by the blood of Jesus or not.  Let's take a look at God's Word to find the answers we need.

Cover.  To forgive literally means "to cover."  When Jesus died the death meant for me, His blood atoned from my sins.  In other words, when God looks at me He no longer sees my sin but only the blood of Jesus cleansing me of all unrighteousness, covering over where I have fallen short.  Therefore, my Father is no longer offended by how I have transgressed His holy standard but is pleased by what His Son as done to make amends for such affronts.  My sin is covered and I go forward in forgiveness by faith in Jesus.

Now that I've been forgiven in such a way, walking in said forgiveness, I can pass this gift on to those I love (Ephesians 4:32, 1 Peter 4:8).  Instead of pointing out how they offended me, I can extend the blood of Jesus on to them, allowing His sacrifice to cover their sin so it no longer comes between us.  While it's easy to hold on to the way they hurt me, I can instead choose to let it go and refuse to hold their sin against them, not matter how hurtful.  I'm empowered to do this by the forgiveness Jesus delivered to me.  I could make my loved one pay for how they damaged my psyche with their offenses, or I could wipe their slate clean, offering to start anew because of what Jesus accomplished when He gave His life on the cross.

When sin threatens to destroy relationships, I can cover over these offenses with the blood of Jesus, rendering such transgressions as powerless to inflict further damage.

Offense.  It's easy for me to be offended by how others behave, especially when it comes to those I love.  They get under my skin, irritating me with their unwillingness to change, their annoying habits and difficult ways.  I build up a wall to protect myself from their destructiveness and I begin to think of myself as a little bit better than they.  After all, I think, at least I don't struggle with that, as I consider how foolish are their ways.

Unfortunately for me, I've forgotten just how sinful I am.  I've failed to recognize that I'm right there with them, wallowing in the muck of humanity, struggling with the same kind of sins.  I have put on blinders to how we share similar issues and instead mistakenly think I don't face such lowly tendencies.  I've fooled myself into thinking I'm above the sin when really I'm only forgiven from it and without the grace of God extended to me by faith in Jesus, I'm hopelessly broken and as bad off as the worst of the worst.  This humbling truth changes my perspective as I come down off of my high horse, allowing me to live in peaceful fellowship with those I love (1 John 1:7-9).

When sin threatens to destroy relationships, I must remember our commonality; that apart from Jesus we are all hopelessly broken and sinful people.

Gossip.  I have to admit, I gain a bit of satisfaction from talking about the way others have hurt me.  When I'm in pain, it seems the hurt subsides a bit when I can share how I've been slighted and get my frustrations off my chest.  Unfortunately, all I tend to do when in this selfish mindset is to spread gossip that works to drive a wedge between myself and the one I love who has offended me.

Gossip can come in many forms.  Sometimes its cloaked as a prayer request as in when I share how others can pray for my loved one who has sunk to such depths as to hurt me so.  I give too many details and speak with the intention of casting blame or pointing fingers, not desiring true healing.  Other times, I spread the news of how another has offended me, seeking to find support for my innocence instead of desiring the true reconciliation that would come with repentance and confession.  Then there are times when I take in the news shared by friends, turning the opportunity into an impromptu counseling session when I give all sorts of advice as to how they can fix their problem, stopping short of suggesting actually forgiveness.  Talking about the hurt that occurs in all relationships does nothing to solve the problem unless forgiveness is at its core.  

When sin threatens to destroy relationships, I must refrain from the temptation to gossip, keeping reconciliation through forgiveness as my constant goal.

Sin causes rifts in most loving relationships.  When it does raise it's ugly head I can wallow in the pain it causes, or I can choose the healing route.  When I stick to the path that leads to life, I'll seek to forgive, remember that I'm no better and often share similar struggles, and work toward reconciliation by avoiding gossip.  In these ways I'll be seeking love.

As I begin this day it is my prayer that I can trust God enough to stop holding on to hurts and instead extend forgiveness.

When do I gossip without even realizing it?

How am I part of the problem instead of part of the solution?  

     

The Training Ground

 "Love prospers when a fault is forgiven,
      but dwelling on it separates close friends."

Proverbs 17:9

"Above all, love each other deeply,

because love covers over a multitude of sins."

1 Peter 4:8

Living with others is difficult.  God created me to live in community with others.  He did not fashion me lovingly out of raw materials, placing me purposefully within my mother's womb in order that I live a solitary life.

It is easy for me to be alone.  I enjoy my own company, I never disagree with myself, and I always get to do what I want.  But living alone is not where God has placed me. 

He has given me a family of six with whom I share a home and life, and He has placed me within a community of believers with whom I share a faith and life.  Consequently, I don't always enjoy the company, there is frequent disagreement and I don't always get my way.

Community was created by God for a purpose.  English poet Lord Houghton said, "The Christian home is the Master's workshop where the processes of character molding are silently, lovingly, faithfully, and successfully carried on."

Family, no matter how large or small, is used by God to mold us, train us and test us.  Even though our modern society tends to place the burden of education upon the schools, God has positioned this responsibility squarely on the shoulders of the family.  It is more than a place where we belong and are loved.  It is also the best place to learn how to graciously live with others.

Forgive

Ghandi proclaimed that, "The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."  Letting go of an offense another committed against me does take strength.  But God has called me to forgive, and He is faithful to provide the strength to do so. 

Jesus taught that we reap what we sow.  He said, "Forgive, and you will be forgiven. . .  For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” (Luke 6:37,38)  My life is a reflection of the way I treat others.  If I am unwillingly to let go of a hurt carried out against me, I will live a life of anger and bitterness.  But, if I choose to release the burden of the offense, my load will be lightened and I will be free to live as God intended.

There is a parable Jesus told of an unforgiving servant.  Out of mercy, the king forgave one of his servants of a very large debt. Unfortunately, that servant turned around and treated harshly one who owed him a small amount, expecting full payment and throwing him into prison.  The master called the servant in and turned him into the jailers to be tortured for his inability to pass on the forgiveness he had so freely been given.

Jesus then said, “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.” (Matthew 18:35)

When I realize how much I have been forgiven by God, I can do no less than forgive those who have offended me.

Family is the perfect place to practice the art of forgiveness.

Come Alongside

I remember a time when I fell behind on paying my newspaper bill.  The carrier called me, and instead of chastising me or demanding payment immediately, she graciously gave me the benefit of the doubt, encouraging me to send payment as soon as I was able.  When I got off the phone with her, not only did I want to catch up on my payment, but I did not feel in the least angry or violated.  It seemed she was on my side and wanted only to help. 

This is how I am to live my life with others, especially those I love the most.  I am like most people and respond better to a gentle hand on the shoulder guiding me along to a certain destination rather than a shaking finger in my face, condemning me of my failure.

It reminds me of when a Navy ship needs fuel, food or other supplies.  Since it can't always pull into a port and receive these needed items, a support ship will come alongside and supply the needs of the working vessel as they both steam along its course. 

This is a beautiful picture of how I can support someone in need.  Instead of launching a frontal attack, I can come alongside and provide the encouragement and help they so desperately need.  In this way I am not stopping their forward progress, but am simply providing support as they make their way on their journey. 

The goal of coming alongside is always restoration with God and others.  It is not simply pointing out a wrong, but encouraging those who are struggling to seek God's course for their life and give them every resource available to help them reset their life-route toward God.

Family is the perfect place to practice coming alongside.

Pray

When living with others, there are many opportunities to practice the art of extending grace.  My actions may very well deserve harsh treatment from others, but always receiving what I deserve makes for a bleak and cruel existence.

There are many times when I have forgiven someone and have come alongside them, but they are not ready to change.  Even though talking to my Heavenly Father is vital at all times, during times when change will not come, prayer becomes essential. 

Prayer has a way of changing my heart and helping me to see others as God sees them.  Prayer puts me in touch with the heart of God and reminds me that He is the One who is in the business of changing hearts.

Eugene Peterson said, "In prayer, we are aware that God is in action and that when the circumstances are ready, when others are in the right place, and when our hearts are prepared, he will call us into action.  Waiting in prayer is a disciplined refusal to act before God acts."

It reminds me of when I was a child and my mother was a smoker.  My grandmother would constantly nag her about quitting, clipping out newspaper articles about the harmful effects of smoking and repeat information she learned by watching television programs about how to quit smoking.

My grandmother meant well, but none of her efforts brought about the desired outcome.  My mom did not quit smoking until God changed her heart some years later, giving her the desire to stop the harmful habit.  He also gave her a bout with walking pneumonia to strengthen her resolve.  She has not picked up a cigarette since.

Since God is the Author of change, it is smart for me to spend more time praying for those who are close to me instead of trying to create a transformation I have no power to bring about.  It will only result in frustration and strained relationships.

Family is the perfect place to practice praying for one another.

No matter how big or small the family, it is an institution God has provided to help us to learn to live with others.  I can use it to practice forgiving, coming alongside and praying for others.

Like they always say, "Practice makes perfect."  While I won't reach perfect this side of heaven, at least the practice time I receive in the family will benefit me as I transfer the use of these skills in interacting with others out in the world.

As I begin this day, it is my prayer that I will see my family for all the blessings of which they provide.

When do I speak first and pray later?  How can I remember to commit the unprepared heart into God's hands?  

When do I tend to be harsh in the way I handle conflict instead of coming alongside in love?